At times..a lot of times..I feel guilty for not being able to handle this…all of it.

Someone must have told me I was suppose to be more than able to manage it..cope with this

Single handedly have the advantage over all of this..in control of it

I was told that I got this, then left here to walk with this…all of it.

Carry it and dispose of it..good and bad..sort it out and go with it…

Just flow with it…

I’ve been hoping for it…

Some type of self-empowerment to lift me above and beyond all this…I just keep falling from the scope of it..all….I walk..then I fall..over and over and over again.

I crawl

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…..

Where do I begin?

I wish there was a place to rest..a place to rest until all this was over with…

That the storm would clear it all away..and leave me afresh…

Chaos I can’t get up

Chaos I can’t see

I can’t hear…

Take all the time you need…shhhh..hush…..rest.

Mountains

I can’t climb them

Any attempt to take a step..another bend another twist…

Lost

Direction?

Where do I begin to pick up this mess? Where do I begin?

And with what? I have nothing to even start with…my sanity is perplexing me..and I have no rest left in my chest…

Restless..

Stress

Heart attack…problematic…

Stress

I don’t know where to begin…

I lay to find rest….

It’s momentary..I don’t dare leave me lonely

Weighted…iron…drowning a daily death

Considering My Ailments lol

I can’t really put into words what anxiety and depression(whatever really inflicts me) are like.

Torment is close.

An agitation deep within..like being jabed with a pointy finger over and over again…but beneath your chest..where ones emotions rest…

Or a pingpong ball pinging rapidly throughout me. Bouncing off one side, to the next..this way and that.

A tension. So strong, it feels tangent.

A deep weight..like sorrow. A dark shadow..strongest at my center..my heart..but radiating throughout my body.

Anger

But anger..that is similar to deep emotional pain. Anger for no damn good reason. It seems to be like an intense, extreme feeling of agitation or irritability..nervousness..but like 100× as strong…and it’s kind of constant wwhen you feel it. Not just a thing that comes and goes due to external factor..moodlike.

But an energy you can’t seem to rid yourself of so easily….it has no reason or rhyme..

It sucks because you never have asked for it. Or done nothing you are aware of, that caused it. Or got the ball rolling. It just is in you.. like inherent.

Part of you.

Genetics..life’s shit when one was small..hell idk. They have a million and one reasons…

I just know it’s nothing you desire or want. It is a horror to bear.

The things that have helped the most in my life with this are:

Deep encounters with God.

Praying in the Spirit and crying and snotting and wrestling with all my emotions and thoughts..there with Him.

Silence, stillness, solitude

Mediation/Contemplative prayer

Nature

Exercise

Crying

Momentary numbing (self-medicating).

Christianity: Should Be, by Some Dude named Babcock

Christianity~

Is not a voice in the wilderness, but a life in the world.

It is not an idea in the air but feet on the ground, going God’s way.

It is not an exotic thing, to be kept under glass, but a hardy plant to bear twelve months of fruits in all kinds of weather.

Fidelity to duty is its root and branch.

Nothing we can say to the Lord, no calling Him by great or dear names, can take the place of the plain doing of His will.

We may cry out about the beauty of eating bread with Him in His kingdom, but it is wasted breath and a rootless hope, unless we plow and plant in His kingdom here and now.

To remember Him at His table, but forget Him at ours, is to have invested in bad securities.

There is no substitute for plain, every-day goodness.

~ Babcock

My God

If there is one thing I can say with full conscience confidence..

Is that I have saught You diligently.

Like the Hound Of Heaven in my own sense..I’ve been in pursuit of You..

I have been discouraged, but never forsaken.

I’ve been mistaken, but You never have left me.

I may have been blinded, but You yet promise to give sight back to me..

Help my unbelief..

Yet it’s You, I consistently, constantly, whether semi-conscience, conscience, or sub-consciously…I have not stopped searching for

Groping for in the dark..

Hungry for You..

Even my anger toward You being a way of expressing my passion for You..

I’ve doubted many things, many people, many sayings..myself too

But if there is anythjng I can say is truth..

Lord, My God..I know with all my heart, I’ve saught diligently after You.