Sometimes I feel like everyone needs something of me, and in this mind, these hands, there’s just nothing left to give.
Every single family member I have, is so detrimentally unstable, literally on the verge of collapse.
Sometimes I wish someone would just carry me for once; I can no longer lift.
I’m surrounded by instability, insanity surrounds me;
What is this that you ask of me!?
Can you not see me? See me in my own suffering? Why must I bare yours and yours and his? All alone like this?
What does this look like?
A single mother, with not to much of nothing, and you come to me as if I have so much to give…
As if I’m flourishing, and you come again and again;
Sucking any and every ounce of nourishment I’ve slowly reclaimed for myself.
You insist that I, I who painfully feel so unsupported by any family or mortal man be this stability for you; but what you’ve come for, it’s no longer here, it doesn’t exist.
Please, I cry, flee from me, leave me with my own inconsistencies..leave me here depraved by my own limitations and oppressions.
For I have not the strength, not at all right now, to lead you, or guide you, to provide for you all these things you’re missing…
As I lay here naked, starving, unsheltered, forsaken and neglected.
Let me lay where I fall, and allow the earth to reclaim me; let it do it’s perfect work, leave me be, undisturbed.
I speak not of death, but of rest!
For God sake! Let me breathe, I GASP!
GASP
GASP
Silent tears roll down cheeks through closed eyes in defeat (or better, surrender)
GASP
GASP
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\____beep _____________
The Undoing of Me 
I have no idea what to say…except you are loved. Grace and peace to you…
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Thanks DW, it’s a family thing. Feeling the weight of people who are in just as rough states as me, relying on me; and feeling I don’t have my own peace where I want it fully to be able to take others responsibilities on. I sometimes feel like I wouldn’t get that in return because of instability within extended family(so maybe having wrong attitude?). So I’m wrestling with when to cary that cross and when it’s OK to say, I can’t. I have trouble setting up boundaries and feeling guilty when I say I can’t help. Trying to find hope in the underlying lesson and learn to say no more kindly and compassionately; but I can be an ass when anxiety takes over caused by me saying yes too help sort out others dysfunctions. I’m double minded in this area and that is taking a toll..the no within, but thinking I should say yes without.
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I get it. Carrying the responsibility is a mixed blessing – both rewarding and overwhelming. Saying ‘no’ or ‘not now’ or ‘not this time’ – and to do it with care and compassion – that’s hard for me to do. I’m reading a book, Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown, that is helping me untangle some of the emotions that go along with it.
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Thanks DW! I’ll keep that book in mind! I have one of her books called, The Gifts of Imperfection. I like her! It feels good to know I’m not alone and it is a rather normal condition, though one we must work on: the boundaries thing and how to express our “no’s”, I am grateful for your feedback. 🤗
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