I've felt the darkest depths imaginable to the human soul; at least anything much darker, to me, is unfathomable. And yet, and yet I stand.
I feel guilty for my many words and my many reactions….. And as I sit here wallowing in my own guilt ridden, touchy conscience, I have to ask myself, am I sorry for what I did and the hurt it caused? Or am I sorry because I feel guilty and that’s a painful thing for … Continue reading Apologies
What consciousness (conscious awareness) is not: Not being in the present moment, but lost in thoughts of the past or worries of the future. Pondering and analyzing any and everything, that is not needed in that exact moment. Reacting, rather than responding. Being possessed by your emotional triggers; they being what drives you rather than … Continue reading Consciousness: Notes To Self.
Sometimes, I find hope in the fact that, someday this will all be over. Sometimes, that is all I look forward to. And the hope that, I will never have to come back and “try” this again.
You’ve gave me your thoughts, Now give me your feelings. You’ve held not back your words, questions and attempts to rummage for meanings… So don’t choke out emotions, meant to find freedom. The mind is plagued, by so many somethings. The heart suppressed, unable to breathe, really. Let go, of all those deeply held felt … Continue reading Thoughts and Emotions
More than anything, I just long for time alone. Stillness, silence, solitude. And for several years now, this is the very thing that constantly eludes me. I cry for her. I rage for her. I thirst, I starve, malnourished. Needed to be fed, by nothing. Empty bliss. No distractions or disruptions. No voices, nor noises. … Continue reading Todays and Years Longings
“The deepening (spiritual healing, freedom, awakening, liberation, self-discovery) happens through the challenges of life. If you could remove the challenges of life, it’s virtually impossible to remove the challenges of life; but if you could remove for a period of time the challenges of life, by living in a totally protected environment, the lack of … Continue reading What He Said: Ekhart Tolle
One moment I’m up, one moment I’m down; It’s crazy ain’t it? I’m a mf mental patient. For my life long, I’ve been singing this sad song; and I’m always complaining of it. It’s chronic. Somebody save me. I hate it. It controls me, it pursues me, until it consumes me. Eats me alive, one … Continue reading Mental Patient
Emotional invalidation is painful. Sometimes it's unintentional, but it's a sign of emotional abuse when done repeatedly and intentionally. — Read on http://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/
What people don’t seem to understand about suicide, is that it’s not that people want to die. They just don’t want to live.... “ like this.” And I guarantee, most if not all who do, fought a very , very, very good fight before becoming tired of that fight. Just as much as some people … Continue reading Understand
It’s not that I want my world to change(the things around me). Even though I complain and it may seem that way. But in reality, I just want this pain inside to subside. It’s not a subtle thing, it’s intense. Like an itch... That you can’t quite scratch, yet it doesn’t itch.... It pan-ics It … Continue reading Anxiety
Enter at your own risk, I'm lost in thought and have no script I think a lot, I'm prone to fits I've been fucked up, still at 36 I feel like Rogue, that X-Men chic I have to watch who I touch, who I open up with I mean well, but my mind is a … Continue reading I’ve Told you Before, I Don’t Know What it is, So you Title It.
How do I find help, Without time for myself? People are under vast amounts of stress, in who knows what particular areas... it’s all personal, contingent upon so much. Those that need help, have to find methods that work well for them, and then be consistent and also make time for it. Who has time … Continue reading Today
One good reason death to self, being last, self-sacrifice, and carrying ones cross; can all be symbolized by crucifixion..is because crucifixion is to the body, what self denial is to the ego. We will do anything before choosing to crush/insult ego. It is the most "excruciating" thing. We will even firmly believe our own reasonings … Continue reading The First Will Be Last 🤔
Mama said it took the edge off So I went and got a bottle, poured a glass and partook until the pain within my head was quieted, and the days looked brighter up ahead. Mama was right..as she had said.
I'm learning to not mind being as authentic as possible. As a gift to myself if anything. Being true to myself, my reality. Why lie to the crowd? Why be someone else or pretend I am keeping up with the Jane's and Jones's, when I'm really a hot mess? Why does wearing a painted mask … Continue reading Embrace You. The REAL You. And Love it Enough to Let Others, Even Haters Know it too. 😜🤔🤓🤐🤡😈😇🤣😬😬😬😬💁
I have been on generic Zoloft now since getting prego. If one has read any of my previous posts, they might have seen how life has been like hell for me, both mentally and emotionally. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, but the anxiety has been so intense it almost borderlines psychosis. To … Continue reading To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft?
God, often I wonder what you think of me, Cuz I know what I think of me. And lately I've been fighting, some demons and it's frightening. Too much thinking in the night time, in the morning nothing looks right. Legendary Abstract Who's to say? She's all that! Broken homes, too many fights Booze and … Continue reading I don’t Know What This Is
Oh shit, I'm here again. Where I wait all day for sleep to begin, because that's the only time the misery ends.
I love Awaken2Now (See Thru Oppositional 2’s) | Aw Shit! Ya mean I can't be a hero? -Richard Rohr, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-zvdfv-c4c9fc
I can't really put into words what anxiety and depression(whatever really inflicts me) are like. Torment is close. An agitation deep within..like being poked with a pointy finger over and over again...but beneath your chest..where ones emotions rest... Or a pingpong ball pinging rapidly throughout me. Bouncing off one side, to the next..this way and … Continue reading Considering My Ailments lol
Sometimes one must be wise enough to force upon themselves heartache ; when well aware of circumstances and situations..that if persisted in..would later cause heartbreak. Of course, any ache is painful. But in reality, these bruises feel better much quicker; than the more intense, reluctant pain a break produces. Not to exclude, the more extensive … Continue reading My Time Capsule: 12-30-2013
Can I lose my mind for some time? What if I lost all self-control for a bit? What would you think of ya chic? If I decided to get real legit..100..per cent..I don't think they ready for this See they ain't neva considered this kind of sublime...it's so unlike...all they've ever witnessed.. Lost minds.. They … Continue reading High Times. Unconscious Rhyming
I'm so tired, I have no energy. I'm so drained from lack of good sleep, yet my running mind won't allow it..sleep. Even the prescribed meds fail me. For the most part. They have offered some help..better than I was. My thyroid is all out of whack again. This makes me feel constantly sickly. So … Continue reading Just My Thoughts
I don't understand how people think that those with depression are suppose to just be OK? Just pull themselves up and out of it, as if it's simple. As if it's brought on by self. I wish I could pop a magic pill, say a certain prayer and I would be your kind of "normal." … Continue reading ……
I'm so tired of all these voices(nouns), asking something of me. I have nothing to give, be gone from me. I go to seek rest..and you come looking for me. There is no where to hide, here you come expecting more from me. I attempt to muffle your cries, but there is no smothering thee. … Continue reading World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.
One thing I've learned about the establishment of organised religion: they give up on you, way before you give up on them. You can reach out to them in various forms. But they give up on you, before you do them. You keep writing..they stop responding. You have made it known that you are in … Continue reading ….Awake
This is the kind of tired that lays down in a ball and can't get up.. That has no more energy to think...to function...to keep up with it all.. This is a kind of tired that gives up caring...that gives up This is the kind of tired that have sent many to end their own … Continue reading This Kind of Tired.
Over the course of my life, mostly as an adolescent but also a few times as an adult; I've had others think I was seeking attention. Whether it be from my loudness, hyperactiveness, complaining, sobbing at church..whatever And though some of those behaviors may stem from some subconscious need to be heard and seen; they … Continue reading Call it What You Must
So sometimes I have these scenes I go through with me and Jesus. And today(read previous post) is one of those days. In these scenes I am with Him and usually talking or resting in this house (see other posts on this of mine). Today though we are in my house and also another room. … Continue reading Jesus and My Tantrum
I hate myself today..and other days. I feel like a contradiction. The person I want to be, the mask I want others to see...then in private I can be..this person I despise. I am a complaining mess. Raging. Tired..sleep deprived wreck. Can't keep up. Not with the Jones's..I have no desire to fulfill my life … Continue reading Life Today.
I would say my biggest discouragement/hurt when it comes to battling mental illness(depression, anxiety, presumed BPD); has been getting others to understand or even believe me. Unlike physical ailments that can be more readily diagnosed and recognized by the layman; this stuff is not so. It cannot be X-rayed, tested, put in a petri dish, … Continue reading My Struggle with Mental Illness.
I don't like who I am, when I'm with you. And I'm not here to point any fingers, to push blame, or accuse. It may sound so...but those are not my intentions. I just need to breathe..the truth sets us free..and this is MY truth..how I see...me..you..us...we. I miss the old me. When all that's … Continue reading Without You
We can only hide for so long. We can only cover up..mask it..for a moment. We can only practice behavior modification for a time..but before we know it..all comes to the light. It can be so deceitful..even to our very selves. We can make others believe..we can make-believe..we can pretend..for so long..that even we believe. … Continue reading Change
I wish I could simply...run away like you. To close my eyes and ears to all my problems...to shut myself in...and be alone. But it's more complicated than that. Unlike you, I have more than just myself...depending on me. More than just myself..to feed, bathe, clothe, house, teach, meet needs...keep alive. I can't give up … Continue reading Free Me