Sometimes I feel like everyone needs something of me, and in this mind, these hands, there's just nothing left to give. Every single family member I have, is so detrimentally unstable, literally on the verge of collapse. Sometimes I wish someone would just carry me for once; I can no longer lift. I'm surrounded by … Continue reading Vultures and a Carcass
Within the Abyss
Oh dark heart, what shall it take to keep you tame? So many fresh starts, good intentions and hope filled predictions. So many efforts and attempts to be kinder and brighter, only to plummet to your deepest descents again. Should this be called a war within? Or better yet, a striving against? Oh vain attempts. … Continue reading Within the Abyss
If I could go back in time and change anything, it would be, to be more consciously present. Conscious of every moment, of every memory created. Conscious of every word spoken and small act taken. Present with my children mostly, and family and friend. There with them, not ruminating within. More than any other thing, … Continue reading Nighttime Reflections
Clay and Seeds
The clay does not inquire of itself, what it will be. And neither must it ask another. It need not be told what it is too become. The clay simply is. It suffers through. It does nothing, but be. It thinks not. But is. And allows itself, to be done. The seed, it does not … Continue reading Clay and Seeds
I am my happiest self; When I am my authentic self.
The Essential Nature of Things:
I AM & IT IS
Time slows down, when you slow down with it.
Stillness asks Me
Stillness asks me, as a reach for my phone, the remote, a book, for anything to fill the stillness. “When will you listen?” Stillness reminds me, that now is the perfect time. In this moment, when nothing is there to distract. Unless I allow it. And stillness whispers, “ will you listen?”
I feel guilty for my many words and my many reactions….. And as I sit here wallowing in my own guilt ridden, touchy conscience, I have to ask myself, am I sorry for what I did and the hurt it caused? Or am I sorry because I feel guilty and that’s a painful thing for … Continue reading Apologies
Consciousness: Notes To Self.
What consciousness (conscious awareness) is not: Not being in the present moment, but lost in thoughts of the past or worries of the future. Pondering and analyzing any and everything, that is not needed in that exact moment. Reacting, rather than responding. Being possessed by your emotional triggers; they being what drives you rather than … Continue reading Consciousness: Notes To Self.
Puzzles and Pieces
Why hold fast to one piece of the puzzle; when there are still so many to piece together ? Why not put the piece aside? Many times, with puzzles, mysteries~ you find that the pieces you have don’t fit quite right, or you can’t find their proper place. And you will find, that if you … Continue reading Puzzles and Pieces
Soul and Mind
How often I’ve mistaken my mind for my heart(soul), and vice-versa. How often they’ve told me my mind was the way; but my heart could not be trusted. How often I’ve listened to the deliberations and patterns of my conditioned mind While silencing my soul when it spoke of love, While tying down my heart … Continue reading Soul and Mind
I lost my faith in Christianity, when it became clearer, that the majority of professing followers of Christ(myself included) appeared to chase after becoming “saints”, rather than servants. And in order to be the saints they so believed they had to be; they had to be all consumed and sold out, by what it took … Continue reading Lost Faith
Sometimes, I find hope in the fact that, someday this will all be over. Sometimes, that is all I look forward to. And the hope that, I will never have to come back and “try” this again.
Do You Build Your Life Around Your Authentic Self or our Cultures Expectations and Ideals?
For me, I don't want to live by the "rules" and expectations of a society steeped in greed, materialism, consumerism, and so forth. I want my spirit to lead me. I have to realize what I do for others, VS what I do for myself. And when it comes to a lot of things most … Continue reading Do You Build Your Life Around Your Authentic Self or our Cultures Expectations and Ideals?
I almost Forgot
In my frustrations, hurts, and what some may rightly call resentments towards the professing church of God; I almost lost sight of who my redeemer is. The God of my Youth. The One who met me, came right beside me; in my most destitute moments. Jesus. Though I no longer have the same hard core … Continue reading I almost Forgot
It's Spiritual Not mental We've sold our souls to the gods of intellect And we still wonder why we are fraught with mental stress Minds a wreck No soul, no depth Covered with all the lies of intellect. Think Think Comprehend it MadMen, minds in torment Soul death We feel it But are afraid to … Continue reading It’s Spiritual
Watch “Only Jesus? The Church and Community.” on YouTube
Who’s Land, by What Means I Ask Again?
I think a lot, more than normal. The craziest thing for me that I find; is that I don't have to think to write. I just write.
Note: I think a lot of what I write are projections. It has taken me a long time to understand this. But, I am trying to figure out how all that works. So with that said, keep in mind that much of this stuff is what I should be preaching to myself alone, I just … Continue reading Ah Shit
Am I exposing to many truths, like ego self abuse? Or is this what really is 100 proof? I’ve found there is release in mentioning all my many many tragedies..even if many are actually quite stigmatizing and possibly embarrassing 💁🏻🙈 But shit, it is what is, and this is my fucking reality. At times it’s … Continue reading Tonight
How do I find help, Without time for myself? People are under vast amounts of stress, in who knows what particular areas... it’s all personal, contingent upon so much. Those that need help, have to find methods that work well for them, and then be consistent and also make time for it. Who has time … Continue reading Today
God, I find it hard to believe you love me yet still...still through all my inconsistencies.... Not too many men, will love a man, through all of their inconsistencies...their many, many inconsistencies...................
That's where I want you to be; unsure-yet still trusting me. Having tasted enough, to know... Yet not needing to know... Just knowing, that I Am. And, you are. Knowing, I am More than you need, and always enough.. Not needing certainty of mind...but honesty of heart.. I Am here and there, always. Let your … Continue reading Jesus
Today: Heaven is…(need to edit still)
The Kingdom of Heaven, starts with YOU. You see, that mustard seed, that grain of wheat..is YOU. We want to see the harvest. We want to see the progress. We want to reach the masses, not realizing..death is in letting go..of all those expectations and ego boosters. That seed(beginning/new way/new life) is first buried. Unseen. … Continue reading Today: Heaven is…(need to edit still)
Oh the time wasted. Chasing certainty, understanding, a belief. Debating, accumulating knowledge to confirm what I had been TOLD and TAUGHT. Study study Jesus the subject Yet nothing was done..not much.. that resembled His teaching. I was fulfilled Yet others left lacking It was about my getting it right...while those precious lives and hearts all … Continue reading Today
You Cry, “Stop the Violence!” Yet What are YOU Gonna do About it?
You say, "make a change"; but where are you participating? With more than a voice? ............... I can tell you now, that the majority of violent crimes are committed by overwhelmed, misunderstood, lost and hopeless, misguided individuals. And I can tell you with confidence, that most every single one of those above said individuals, at … Continue reading You Cry, “Stop the Violence!” Yet What are YOU Gonna do About it?
Learning, that you have to hear first; in order to speak your turn. (Let that speak to you how you want. 🤔)~Sam
One may be quite surprised at how clearly and often He speaks, when man made interferences, distractions, and clutter are eliminated from daily life. We make it mundane.
The First Will Be Last 🤔
One good reason death to self, being last, self-sacrifice, and carrying ones cross; can all be symbolized by crucifixion..is because crucifixion is to the body, what self denial is to the ego. We will do anything before choosing to crush/insult ego. It is the most "excruciating" thing. We will even firmly believe our own reasonings … Continue reading The First Will Be Last 🤔
Love Like Jesus: The First Will Be Last.
We've been conditioned into subconsciously always asking ourselves, "how can I be first?", in any given situation. It comes natural. We aren't even aware of it typically. Begin to practice asking yourself, "how can I be last?"; and you'll soon realize how self interested, you really are.
The Right Thing is….
All that we need to do, is the RIGHT thing. Not fight to avoid the sinful things, and adhere to all the religious ones. But, quite oneself and be willing to ask what the right thing is, in any given circumstance, situation, or season. All have been given an answer. Our inner voice/soul/connection to God. … Continue reading The Right Thing is….
I FIND THAT I AM A LOT MORE SELF-OBSESSED: self-concerned, self-critical, self-centered, self- justifying, self-absorbed... my pain, my flaws, my wrongs and rights, my hurts, my points, my feelings, my happiness.. my life, my time, my heart and mind. ....on and on and on , THAN I HAD ONCE THOUGHT... damn it’s gross! If I … Continue reading Following Awareness
To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft (part 2)?
OK, so I started taking it again. That was a terrible idea to stop it😵😥! Some of you warned me, but I didn't wanna listen. I didn't realise how much it helped or I had forgotten. Here is the shitty part, I'm not sleeping again 😥. This was the original reason I tried to get … Continue reading To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft (part 2)?
Consider Who… Yeah You. 🙋🏻♀️
The only time we should consider others, is to ask ourselves, “will it help them or hurt them?” This is the one single time we should allow others into our headspace. Other than that, I do not see any purpose or justification. For what is all other consideration and contemplating of another’s life, if it’s … Continue reading Consider Who… Yeah You. 🙋🏻♀️
Mama said it took the edge off So I went and got a bottle, poured a glass and partook until the pain within my head was quieted, and the days looked brighter up ahead. Mama was right..as she had said.
To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft?
I have been on generic Zoloft now since getting prego. If one has read any of my previous posts, they might have seen how life has been like hell for me, both mentally and emotionally. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, but the anxiety has been so intense it almost borderlines psychosis. To … Continue reading To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft?
Gang Banging in the Pews.
I see in myself this same pattern one finds when teens choose gangs. That longing for belonging, leadership, purpose. When the family unit does not seem to give what is needed or presumed needed, one ventures off to find it elsewhere. And though that elsewhere may not be healthy, the feeling of belonging and significance … Continue reading Gang Banging in the Pews.
I don’t Know What This Is
God, often I wonder what you think of me, Cuz I know what I think of me. And lately I've been fighting, some demons and it's frightening. Too much thinking in the night time, in the morning nothing looks right. Legendary Abstract Who's to say? She's all that! Broken homes, too many fights Booze and … Continue reading I don’t Know What This Is
"Whatever the field of physical or moral sciences you deal with, you will be given no rest by the mass of things to be learnt or investigated. And to enable matters of this range and scale to find unrestricted hospitality in our minds, everything superfluous must be turned out. Virtue(for example), will not bring herself … Continue reading Consume
Show Me the Father.
You can't help a lost world, through worldy meassures. The system is not meant to be replicated, but rather torn down and rebuilt. New birth. Follower's of Christ, are called to replicate Christ, just as He replicates the Father. Lost souls do not need another worldly system, they need revolution and re-birth. Christ un-apologeticly entered … Continue reading Show Me the Father.
Haven’t Slept it Away in Many Years. (When sleep is desired over the ache of being awake.)
Oh shit, I'm here again. Where I wait all day for sleep to begin, because that's the only time the misery ends.
👀Awake Oh Sleeper!
I will say this, all the wrong attidudes and things I've condemned in others: greed, self-centeredness, gossip, accusations, pride, hypocrisy, lusts, materialism, comparison..you name it; I've likewise found in me. They may not manifest in the same ways or they might vary in degrees..but at their core, they are of the SAME spirit.
To me, social media means neglecting and missing out on all things meaningful and valuable, In exchange for all things superficial and empty. Those people and moments I neglect, For strangers and white washed tall tales of happiness. My children looking to me for acceptance and approval, While I scroll for the world's...👍
A Change is Gonna Come?
All the theological answers. The Bible studies. The Sunday mornings All the gathering and smiling All the hungry The homeless The single parents struggling The addict The lonely All the lost still hoping The saints keep singing The sinners keep waiting For a saint to see them And show them a redeemer.
Me on a Thinking Tangent: Nothing New.
I have grown and learned more from struggle, than anything else in life. This is the paradox of suffering and want. It has made me more humane. It has forged within me more compassion and gratefulness, than any fine thing. It has opened my eyes to what really matters, and what things are just not … Continue reading Me on a Thinking Tangent: Nothing New.
Karma Sowing Seed
I've come along way from where I was, and I'm still very much undone. One of the many lessons I've been experiencing over the last few years, is the principle of sowing and reaping, or what some call karma. And I have found it very much alive and well! The unexpected thing I've found though, … Continue reading Karma Sowing Seed
Is it weird that I can't stand America's obsessions? I wrestle with why? Why do I despise these things? The hunger for money, power, and fame. The chase. The need to look so good..forever young. The stunting. The dressing up. The showing off. The selfies. The culture of looks. Filters. Of impressing. Of needing so … Continue reading
Will you love me in my brokenness When I have nothing else to give but these moments in... Conversations and contemplation...about what life is.. All I have is.... Me Be-ing That's all I can give Here I am One in a million.. Not like them... Very different Up up away....earth bound...hell no No limits All … Continue reading 9-20-2019
Considering My Ailments lol
I can't really put into words what anxiety and depression(whatever really inflicts me) are like. Torment is close. An agitation deep within..like being poked with a pointy finger over and over again...but beneath your chest..where ones emotions rest... Or a pingpong ball pinging rapidly throughout me. Bouncing off one side, to the next..this way and … Continue reading Considering My Ailments lol
High Tides…Thinking in Writing
God give me a kind heart, cuz this world has gave me a hard heart. Make me what Thou art, cuz I've created a monster..trying to do my part. I thought I was able..qualified and faithful.. Wanted to prove to You and the people..I was solid...no problems.. But life tends to, knock knock knock you … Continue reading High Tides…Thinking in Writing
My Time Capsule: 12-30-2013
Sometimes one must be wise enough to force upon themselves heartache ; when well aware of circumstances and situations..that if persisted in..would later cause heartbreak. Of course, any ache is painful. But in reality, these bruises feel better much quicker; than the more intense, reluctant pain a break produces. Not to exclude, the more extensive … Continue reading My Time Capsule: 12-30-2013
If there is one thing I can say with full conscience confidence.. Is that I have saught You diligently. Like the Hound Of Heaven in my own sense..I've been in pursuit of You.. I have been discouraged, but never forsaken. I've been mistaken, but You never have left me. I may have been blinded, but … Continue reading My God
High Times. Unconscious Rhyming
Can I lose my mind for some time? What if I lost all self-control for a bit? What would you think of ya chic? If I decided to get real legit..100..per cent..I don't think they ready for this See they ain't neva considered this kind of sublime...it's so unlike...all they've ever witnessed.. Lost minds.. They … Continue reading High Times. Unconscious Rhyming
My Time Capsule: 9-19-2013
I want to measure your stature, from within...what things are in your heart? What do you see within others, when you look deep enough to even try to perceive what lays beneath? I no longer want to stay focused on what only my eyes can see...I want to adjust my vision so that it can … Continue reading My Time Capsule: 9-19-2013
Shark Attacks and Poverty
Am I wrong for being pissed off and resentful for the news covering anything but real life most the time? Like for months I've heard stories of people ate by sharks and those who've died ontop mountains...attacked by wild animals.. And this is sad. These are peoples lives...people matter..all people. But these are people that … Continue reading Shark Attacks and Poverty
I don't understand how people think that those with depression are suppose to just be OK? Just pull themselves up and out of it, as if it's simple. As if it's brought on by self. I wish I could pop a magic pill, say a certain prayer and I would be your kind of "normal." … Continue reading ……
World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.
I'm so tired of all these voices(nouns), asking something of me. I have nothing to give, be gone from me. I go to seek rest..and you come looking for me. There is no where to hide, here you come expecting more from me. I attempt to muffle your cries, but there is no smothering thee. … Continue reading World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.
I Value My Words
One thing that I hope outlives me and are compiled together someday, would be my writings. In them you would find my deepest agonies, my journeying through self-realisation, my evolving relationship with God, my deepest regrets, hopes, complaints and so forth. From spoken word, to many questions, and what I believe were some of the … Continue reading I Value My Words