If I don't die by my own hands; it will be my heart exploding within me from so much stress. Years of stress. It’s a weight. It adds up. It’s friction. It's a lot. So God, strike me dead or help me.
Some say this is not like Jesus. I go about it so unlike He would.. My conflict and resentments; my criticism of many Christians, their buildings, institutions, and conventions. Maybe to you it is so, but I look at it different. Even the best of saints aren't walking perfect in their giftings. Show me one … Continue reading 2 Sides 1 Coin
It’s ok to need a sabbath. You must, one must, get Sabbath. Tight chest, deep breath, regress. The stress will kill you best. What’s next, what’s next, what’s next? Tight chest, deep breath, regress. The stress, the stress, the stress. Makes one consider bullets to the head. Life’s nagging...will ravage, ravage, ravage. But when will … Continue reading Sabbath
Tell me what it's like to survive. Picking through a bucket of change for all the nickels and dimes, because there’s no longer a quarter in sight. Single cigarettes are what I'm after, because I'm smoking again. Yes 8 years Newport free, but the stress will make one pick up old habits again... It makes … Continue reading Tangents: In My Feelings Again
The strongest men, bare their hardest truths. The weakest men hide behind pride; in fear of being true. Ashamed of self, afraid of men seeing them; they dare not tell their longings nor show proof. Lost, wanting to be found; yet not knowing to be free means bringing forth the inner you. Exposing the very … Continue reading Courage
God, You can take me when you want. I’ve tried my best. But, I’m not good at life; and I don't like it here. Your stumbling, always grumbling, tired and fatigued red headed step child, Samantha.
"Man can only receive what he sees himself receiving. The children of Israel were told that they could have all the land that they could see. This is true of every man. He has only the "land" within his own mental vision. Every great work, every big accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation(reality, come to … Continue reading Vision, Seeing, Believing and Receiving.
Lately I've been pondering the cycles found in life. Found in history, in man; as is heaven so on Earth. The micro being a small part of the macro; fractals and holons. The repetitive nature of the seasons and stages of life. Even more so, I've been very interested in how the Bible does such. … Continue reading God, The Bible, Cycles and Typologies. *Needs Revision
I must remember; that everyone has their gifts, just as they have their torments. Everyone has their light, just as also, some darkness. All have their season. In it or out. To change and wrestle. To learn and grow. What I have escaped and lived through, seen and heard; another may have done so long … Continue reading Grace and Humility
"Unless you learn how to read symbolically, you don't get the meaning of most Scriptures. Literallism, the way I'm afraid a lot of fundamentalists interpret the Bible, is the lowest level of meaning. The least helpful of meaning. It's all symbolic. But most of us aren't trained to read literature, much less spiritual literature." ~Richard … Continue reading Reading The Bible and Other Works.
"Faith itself sometimes needs to be stripped of its social and historical encrustations and returned to its first, church-less incarnation in the human heart." ~Christian Wiman
"Most people only appreciate people who are just like them; which means, you're pretty narcissistic. You've never moved beyond the first circle of self.... Now, Bonaventure says once you pass all these tests(loving first the smallest things, the things in your inner circle; than moving outward), than you might see angels. I haven't seen any … Continue reading How Much Does God Include? Unity: By Father Richard Rohr.
God wants people free, more than He wants people to be adherent. And while most have confined themselves still to rigid ideas and systems, refusing to move in Spirit; Jesus is still pointing at those outside the walls of religious fundamentalism. Those moving and speaking as He did. Those bringing peace, freedom, love, and life … Continue reading Liberty
"Intense suffering burns up the ego in us." "Suffering drives us into surrender, total acceptance, no more complaining." ~Eckhart Tolle (paraphrased). Something all spiritual beliefs, at their core seem to be implying. Different terms are used: self=ego, death of self =ego loss, the first shall be last, burial before resurrection/new life ( new way of … Continue reading Life Goals?
"Sometiems we turn our lives over, not to a Power greater than ourselves, but to an unintentional petty dictator. Then we live in a walking dream as their psychic puppet, even when they're no longer around to pull the strings...... You know, at some point you have to free the inner hostage. No one else … Continue reading Morning Dose
I've noticed when I hurt or offend someone, and feel guilty or need to confess it in prayer later; that it seems to be more about my guilt or my need for "redemption" rather than it being about the hurt I've caused. Lord, let this not be so. Change my self-centered heart/mind and fill me … Continue reading Self-Speculation
"Most people are in love with their particular life drama. Their story is their identity. The ego runs their life. They have their whole sense of self invested in it. Even their ---usually unsuccessful---search for an answer, a solution, or for healing becomes part of it. What they fear and resist most is the end … Continue reading Drama and Identity
"..if you are trapped in a nightmare you will probably be more strongly motivated to awaken than someone who is just caught in the ups and downs of an ordinary dream." ~Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now).
"It's tempting to try and make a particular job, livelihood, or relationship our salvation.Then we quickly become the slave to whatever we grip the most. But when you make the Divine your Source, you move through life with an ease and lightness, with an open hand. You allow whatever wishes to come, come. And whatever … Continue reading Tonight’s Dose: Surrender
It's hard to be there for others, when I'm so full of myself...
My primary resources to God, have been books and other such things: podcasts, sermons, others experiences..you name it. And as much as I've mentioned this before, I believe some things are worth repeating. For years now I've felt compelled to put it all down, and seek God differently. It's funny because you would think we … Continue reading God Within
There is a time and a place for judgement, is this so? To be reprimanded, corrected? The Church, the professing body of Christ..we can be the first to judge, reprimand and correct. Yet, we can likewise be the last to accept it. And from what I find; we, the people of God, are to be … Continue reading Maybe?
When you build a life structured upon having all that you think others would want..out of some inner need to feel important, successful, and relevant...you risk missing out on a life YOU actually will find peace and freedom in. You sacrifice even your very families in a sense; for a world that could care less; … Continue reading Who Is it For?
"The disciplines of prayer and Bible study need to be rooted again and again in Jesus himself if they are not to become idolatrous or self serving. We have often muted Jesus' stark challenge, remaking him in our own image and then wondering why our personal spiritualities have become less than exciting and life-changing....... ....I … Continue reading A Relavent Thought
I have to constantly remind myself, that any "imperfection" I so identify in someone else; has either at one time, or currently, resides in me. Sometimes it hides and is disguised. Sometimes it is manifesting in another form, fashion, or degree. That shape shifting demon..always acceptable in me..but not in him or her. Cunning and … Continue reading It is So
We in many ways, have assumed carnality is solely action based. But, how often do we actually live and operate in carnality; or function like the rest of the world, without even knowing it? Be it our thinking? What drives us? What gets us lifted and makes us feel like we are somebody? Carnality can … Continue reading Thoughts on Carnality
I've wresteld with myself for as long as I can remember. Self contempt. Self hate. Confusion of self. Doubting..questioning self. Primarily with my mental health, my emotions. Why? From where does it all come from? . I've been given a plethora of mixed answers: Psychologist tell me it's an illness. Therapist tell me it's from … Continue reading Who I Am
Lately, as I try to re-enter my life back on Jesus and God; I find myself reaching out for the same "resources"; rather than the Source. Resources, have been my primary means to God, if they be a means..maybe a help..a tool..but I perhaps made them my gods..my idols. For it was what I sought … Continue reading In His Presence
I don't know the meaning: but this is where I landed. Thanksgiving Day 1977. I hadn't opened this magazine in months. Today being in a depressed state, I refused to grab from any of my normal readings. All the trust in God and keep on being hopeful ones. So I picked up, Time 100 Photographs: … Continue reading Time 100 Photographs
Images soothe me more than words these days. Words plague me; Images free me. This image that has been coming to me lately; when I am in fear, distress, turmoil...whatever it be. Is Jesus holding this infant me. And I am asleep in His arms, head pressed against his chest. Right under His right shoulder … Continue reading Images and Words
Maybe we should not be asking ourselves or our congregations; how are we changing minds? But rather, how are we changing hearts? Don’t forget; The Hebrews seen the mind and heart as ultimately connected. There are no separate words for them. How have we followed after the same mind games as the world, more than … Continue reading A Different ?
I know You not, in the words of man. I don't comprehend, I can't understand. But, I know You in the tempest, I've met You in the storms. Since a raging youth, you've comforted me. Not in thought, not in mind. But deep within, a wind of peace, comes rushing through. I know You from … Continue reading Christ
God, Jesus, Whatever needs done in my life, my soul. In my home, my family, my mind. You’re going to have to do it. For I will not pretend. I will not put on a show, an act. I will not pretend I like this. I cannot put on pretense; I cannot smile and laugh … Continue reading A Prayer
I find my most peace, wrapped in the depths of complete silence; Somewhere within. This for me, is when and where all disturbances end. I think, having rarely any instances of this; has played a major role in my mental and emotional health decline. There is always something poking; prodding. A word, a cry. A … Continue reading My Peace
“Endeavor to be always patient of the faults and imperfections of others, for you have many faults and imperfections of your own that require a reciprocation of forbearance. If you are not able to make yourself that which you wish to be, how can you expect to mould another in conformity to your will?” ~Thomas … Continue reading Patience
We sell our souls to an image. An image we create to present to the world. Of ourselves. We find no rest; as we hustle and bustle and wear ourselves thin. All for this image we worship; to display proudly before men.
Seek grace, not instruction, desire not understanding. Seek the groaning of prayer over diligent reading, Seek the Spouse more than the teacher, Seek God not man, darkness(faith/ambuguity) not clarity(certitude). Not light(in the mind) but the fire itself(Spirit/presence of God). ~Bonaventure (my own thoughts in parentheses).
In my frustrations, hurts, and what some may rightly call resentments towards the professing church of God; I almost lost sight of who my redeemer is. The God of my Youth. The One who met me, came right beside me; in my most destitute moments. Jesus. Though I no longer have the same hard core … Continue reading I almost Forgot
Maybe the question we should ask ourselves and our congregations; is not, in what ways are you a saint? But rather, in what ways are you a suffering servant?
"If I tell them, they will consider me a fool; if I am silent, I cannot escape my conscience." ~St. Francis, Before Warning The Christian Crusaders.
It's Spiritual Not mental We've sold our souls to the gods of intellect And we still wonder why we are fraught with mental stress Minds a wreck No soul, no depth Covered with all the lies of intellect. Think Think Comprehend it MadMen, minds in torment Soul death We feel it But are afraid to … Continue reading It’s Spiritual
I can be consumed with everything; but His presence. No thoughts, no words, no voices heard... Can do what Presence can. We consume; all that peaks our interests. It can keep us deaf, leave us blinded. There is nothing more life giving, more transforming... Than BEING CONSUMED IN HIM. Lost in His Spirit. Made alive, … Continue reading Revelations
I am thankful for you. Though we've never met, though we know not name nor depth; Such continuance has been uplifting, To a soul who's always looked for any resemblance of a constant father from many. Always looking for pieces of what a father should; even if it is a simple glimpse. Fitting those pieces, … Continue reading DW
"Othello's soul is shattered and his whole outlook clouded simply because his ideal is destroyed.." From The Brothers Karamazov, by Dostoevsky
I spend a lot of time trying to convince others. Convince others of my own lessons. The stories and intricacies; meant for me. Between God and me. Now knowing, things can be shared. But, not until we digest and let them do their perfect work in us first. Our soil must be tilled. Prepared for … Continue reading I Spend a Lot of Time
If you were a scapegoat child, it may have felt like you were always wrong and to blame for everything in your family. Understand how to heal. — Read on psychcentral.com/health/scapegoat-child
Would your life be happier, healthier, and more peaceful without certain people in it? Its never easy to cu — Read on psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2019/10/its-okay-to-cut-ties-with-toxic-family-members
Emotional invalidation is painful. Sometimes it's unintentional, but it's a sign of emotional abuse when done repeatedly and intentionally. — Read on http://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/
This could have many connotations. And like the many beautiful things said in Scriptures, this one does too. For me lately, it resonates with trying to be understood. It does not imply my pearls are any greater or of more value than the next mans; or that the ones I try to get to understand … Continue reading Don’t Throw Your Pearls Before Swine. (Needs revision)
It has been said, that one should not proclaim or identify their own gifting; but rather others will. Why is it that when institutions do define your gifts and say, “this is what we see in you, and this is what we believe you have within...” That, when one starts operating in the very thing … Continue reading I’ve Heard it Said
We forgot God is alive and well. “He” is living. So we hide inside and think of Him. We bend and shape and form Him; to control Him. We fear loss of control, silly carnal men. We hide inside away from experience. In life; where He really is. He speaks. And we listen, again and … Continue reading We Forgot
You will find the world ready to mourn with you; And when it’s time to celebrate; you will find out who really wants you happy.
Don’t run yourself ragged; for others. Don’t strive for the things others would. In order to create an appearance the world would applaud. How often we commit to things; for the sake of impressions. How often do we not live for our true self; because we are living to create an image. We toil and … Continue reading Today
If any energy is disturbing us; it is disturbing us alone. In the sense that, only our energy matters to us at the moment. We feel it and are effected by it first and for most. We should not try to control or correct what we believe is causing us disturbance; but rather learn to … Continue reading Disturbances (Reflections after reading a chapter of The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer).
When we finally believe something. As true. We will no longer need to defend it. Defense, like a self preservation agent, is primal. Fear based. Defending is like implying we must protect it. But what is known to be true; need not be lost. Defended. Or protected. It sits still. It needs not object. It … Continue reading This Thought
The mark of the beast maybe, is not to be seen as some physical thing to come into the horizon. It is not some big trick you have to fear stumbling upon. It’s nothing to be figured out. It’s symbolism. It’s going to be(IS) something, every man can/could choose. Not just one particular generation. Look … Continue reading Mark of the Beast? :Speculating with Self
What people don’t seem to understand about suicide, is that it’s not that people want to die. They just don’t want to live.... “ like this.” And I guarantee, most if not all who do, fought a very , very, very good fight before becoming tired of that fight. Just as much as some people … Continue reading Understand
I have to accept the fact, that like many poets and extreme men; most their words are taken for granted and dismissed until they lay… a dead man. Words of wisdom are never comprehended by their family and friends. Until they posthumously are finally given some interest. I’m fine with this.
Looking back, my life has been nothing but chaos and conflict; and I’m looking forward to going.
I am tired of the perpetuating madness that's causing folks sadness Many times caused by little boys, who call themselves men But, lack, the very qualities that have defined generations of manhood.. Work-ethic....don't exist Integrity.....no Role Models.......nope Self made? So they think. Some call it a hard life, but it's easy street; Still whining crying, … Continue reading Violence in the Streets
Sometimes I’m afraid to speak such truths. But aren’t they all, products of what is? Reality? Anywho, during my period of PPD(Postpartum Depression) I struggled with suicidal idealization more than I can remember. I had decided to put up a tent. Something we do every year. Just in the backyard. I love to be outdoors … Continue reading Confessions From The Psych Ward. 🙃
I finally have both kids in school for a period of time each week day! I feel almost wrong about how excited I am!! 😂 I would have a made a mighty fine monk. The quite, the stillness, the limits on noise and distractions are very welcomed. I don’t know what part of me struggles … Continue reading Today
What to do if your preschooler won't stop crying at drop-off — Read on http://www.google.com/amp/s/www.todaysparent.com/kids/what-to-do-if-your-preschooler-wont-stop-crying-at-drop-off/amp/
Listen to yourself. If you need to rest; rest! Nap! Get better sleep. Listen, get to understand your cues. If you’re anxious; go let that shit out!! And productively! Not with nervous thinking, pacing, mind racing shit. Get out and expend that energy!! Sadhguru suggests this;saying physical exertion is best for this negative energy or … Continue reading Today: Listening: Welcome to my head: non-Stop thinking with pen.
Many other countries have universal health care, countries far less wealthy than the U.S. — could the U.S. learn something from them? Read more. — Read on http://www.talkspace.com/blog/america-mental-health-care-systems/
Is it true? That the more you do live in the moment, Slow motion. Life slows up? A subtle hush... ...... Practice silence to find it. Even within your head. Live free. BE. IN this moment. HERE. ...... Living in our heads, moment by moment. What unpleasant consumption of so many nothings! Distracted for what … Continue reading Tonight
Oh anxiety, You merciless bastard; You antagonizing demon. You relentless hell; You terrorizer, you beast.
If I take solace in anything; I take it in the fact I’ve fought. I’ve tried. Despite what others may say and think and what I tell myself many times; I know I’ve done my very best to seek help. For the last several years since this has become a terror for me; I have … Continue reading Today 2
Help me Jesus, I don’t want to die; But I cannot and do not, want to live like this. ~Samantha
I used to wonder how some women could pack up and leave their husbands and kids. I don’t mean permanently. I’m talking about even for a few days. Why would someone choose to go on vacation or spend… — Read on jen-2163.medium.com/why-you-need-time-away-from-your-family-e0f3c5809342
Condemn me for living a lie. For living in pretense. For hiding behind...whatever one hides truth behind. But, do not condemn me for my honesty: For saying I needed a break. A bigger and healthier support system. For admitting I’m stressed, overwhelmed, and could use just a few hours a day to myself; in order … Continue reading Today
This is why I get tired of advocating for my own mental health lol. Today is the 1st of September. I call for an apt, expressing my need and that I am really depressed. My apt is the 29th..... A month away. Just hang in there, she said. Thanks, good old mental health care.
“Misfortune weighs most heavily on those who expect nothing but good fortune.” – Seneca Have you ever noticed how we’re taught that our wants and …Why You Shouldn’t Hope for the Best
When you become a mother, you love your children so much and experience special days. But sometimes, you need a break from your tiring routine. — Read on http://www.moms.com/signs-need-break-from-motherhood/amp/
What We Mean When We Say We Need a Break | HuffPost Life — Read on http://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/stay-at-home-parent_b_2558642/amp
When a mom says she needs a break what she's really saying is she needs time to set down the mental load of motherhood and reset herself. — Read on herviewfromhome.com/motherhood-needs-a-break/
Unfortunately, like a NASCAR driver, the single mother faces stress at every turn. — Read on http://www.post-gazette.com/news/health/2013/02/18/Single-moms-can-find-little-relief-from-chronic-stress/stories/201302180231
Depression is a different story for single parents, who might not have someone to take care of them and their kids while they heal. Here's one mom’s story. — Read on http://www.healthline.com/health/single-parenting-and-depression
This research promotes the use of more rigorous screening efforts for mental illness among single mothers. — Read on http://www.psychiatryadvisor.com/home/topics/mood-disorders/depressive-disorder/high-risk-for-anxiety-depression-and-stress-observed-among-single-mothers/
“You're isolating again” my husband said, referring to the fact that I'd spent a good part of the night in our room because sometimes I need some time alone — Read on filterfreeparents.com/why-moms-need-so-much-time-alone-to-be-happy/
I would say unlike what one would call normal: life for the most part good, with intermittent sorrows; mine has been the reverse. And this is not to exaggerate. It is just my truth. And I am at this moment, feeling the need to accept that. To accept my pain. And my sorrow. I think … Continue reading Hello
I feel like not loving lately. I don't want to force myself to be kind any longer. I want to not care anymore, honestly. To be my old, asshole self; because it comes more naturally. But eventually, it becomes painful to be like that. I'm tired of being nice. Fighting the side of me that … Continue reading Lately
Maybe for not all of the best reasons; Yet I love him. For all he is. For the calm, The connection, The presence, His reflections.. On life. Himself. Myself. Who knows, It's perfect in it's rebelliousness. It's alive and well.
I find it is much easier for me to scrutinize another's errors, flaws, and character defects; when they are ones that I have already overcome,or have under better control. And the things that are MY own errors, flaws, and character defects; I am much easier at justifing and explaining away. Well, ugly is common to … Continue reading Tonight (Needs revision)
I find that we stand on many same grounds: All born here, in our own place and time; no decision on our part when, where, and why. Then we each are "programmed" by many men and systems, and told..this is what it is. And we all blindly go for it. That's it.
I've found peoples near death experiences, much more compelling and beautiful; than the things people have only been able to pass down through tell. I can't put more confidence in written pen; than I can real lives who have experienced the same transformational bliss, over, and over, and over again. Light and Love they say. … Continue reading God Is Love Period
Where did you get this disposition? This calm, gentleness, loving soothingness? Is it natural? From where did you learn this? Did a loved one hold you tight as a kid? When all your worries and fears would come and enter in? Did someone keep you from all the things that could frighten you? Shelter you … Continue reading Tell Me
I hate myself again today. As much as I promise myself, God, whoever; that I'll be kinder, more loving..gentle. I find myself being that same gossip that I condem in one bitch; and the same self-occupied, egocentric person that I resent in that friend. I find myself still critical of people and am having a … Continue reading I Hate Myself Today
' "Paradise", he went on, 'lies hidden within all of us- here it lies hidden in me now, and if I desire it, it will become a reality for me tomorrow and remain with me the rest of my life."..... .....' " And that each of us is responsible for all men and all things, apart … Continue reading This theme keeps coming and from totally different sources: Theme of unity and interdependence. 3rd time today in 3 diff sources. Last post was one as well.
“The Christian tradition is filled with references, stories, and metaphors that speak to [this dynamic] interdependence. Paul’s metaphor comparing the community of church to the human body captures the essence of our interdependence. When Paul wrote his letter to the church at Corinth, he understood that its members ministered within a bustling city much like … Continue reading The Power of Interdependence : An excerpt.
It might not always be that someone can't get over something; But that, maybe they are still amazed no one else can see it. The message may be so valid to them; that they have made it a mission. 🤷♀️
I lay here. And I ask Him; I try to, Give up the ghost.. But He will not receive me...
I was out back having an emotional pity party. Apologizing to God for all my bad qualities that seem to never give me rest. The things that persist in me; the things I at times am inclined to fall back into. And here I go crying, and decide to open up one of the many … Continue reading This Morning
Even good things can be weapons. Think about the reasons you post/say/do things beforehand and notice your intentions: Is it a subliminal or not so subliminal message? And even though the message is good in essence or even vaild; notice, do I have it aimed at an individual? Then see, that you yourself are playing … Continue reading Thinking
I hate myself sometimes, I am my biggest rival. I pick apart every conscious thought and it's mind-boggling, But yet I keep writing, I can't keep from rymhing. It's one beat that I can keep. Rhythm and blues is my soul beneath. I sing aloud -aloud..real loud again these days; I sat down and I … Continue reading Rhyming
What if God asked you to take the back seat? 🤔 What would that mean in your case?
We try and tackle words to the disadvantage of everyone. Oh, Babel, Babel. For instance, if I were praying now, and felt God press upon me, "come find me." And I so happened to post that or tell someone. I most likely would come across some that are so invested in word play, they no … Continue reading At a Loss for Words
I'm depressed today; nothing major, maybe PMSing.. But I've been crying alot.. self-pity and self-resentment are running the show today. I've been blaming myself, guilt-trips and than the victim persona hits; and I don't know what it is. But I think it's all related and relevant when we get to the gist of it. But … Continue reading Today
What we need to teach our kids, is mf emotional regulation. We need to quit hyperfocusing on physical ability and head knowledge; and give them ways to handle the pain, the ache, and the quake. We have given them all these tools to succeed materially; and yet for another man usually. You know the cycle. … Continue reading The Future
I recently had made my blog private because I have felt unworthy of my own opinions. (But said fuck it) Disclaimer* I am not a preacher or teacher or perfect servant of Jesus or God. Nor do I claim to be. I am just being honest when I'm blogging whether it's right or wrong; they … Continue reading Private and Public
"When we see things in an intuitive way, in conscious union with the eyes of God, what we see is qualitatively different. Basically, it is no longer self-referential but very expansive seeing, and this changes everything.... Many see a supposedly good "new thing" but still in an old way, which is to say, with their … Continue reading Who is Doing the Seeing?
"There is nothing as unbearable as someone doing something for you because they believe it is their duty. The sanctimony of it can make it intolerable. If you are too dutiful, you will die of its burden and people around you will die of bordom! If you have love for something, you do it; if … Continue reading Duty
It troubles me that the church, or professing body of Christ, can “discern” correct doctrine; yet are so unable to discern the human condition. The need of another. The lost. Or the cost at that. I find Jesus above all else, so in-tune with people, He changes them so. He is able to perceive what … Continue reading Thinking Again
I’ve found that the less I allow myself to consume; be it wants or cravings, things that numb me, things that guide me, the things that I can give my attention to.. The more I am at ease. And, the more I allow myself to have that is unnecessary, comes along with even more things … Continue reading The Shit