Who I Am

I’ve wresteld with myself for as long as I can remember.

Self contempt.

Self hate.

Confusion of self.

Doubting..questioning self.

Primarily with my mental health, my emotions.

Why?

From where does it all come from? .

I’ve been given a plethora of mixed answers:

Psychologist tell me it’s an illness.

Therapist tell me it’s from trauma.

Preachers tell me it’s spiritual.

Loved ones tell me it’s me.

I’m told I can control it.

I should subdue it.

But, my experience has told me it’s at times bigger than me…more complex.

I’ve searched for answers.

I’ve asked the questions, sifted through the research, prayed, self medicated myself and allowed professionals to medicate me as well.

Sometimes it’s been easier. Sometimes it’s been harder…managing it. Living with “this”.

Is it me, or is it something outside of me?

It’s troubling..very troubling..

Not knowing who I am?

Am I this anger? This pain? This fear within?

Those closest to me have told me so.

I’ve been labeled a demon, a monster. Pathetic and wrong.

I’ve been told to get it together, get over it, it’s all in my head.

I’ve tried to force myself to be what others call good. Normal.

And it’s a fight, until I eventually lose.

Control again.

I’m ridden with guilt and shame; for excepting these things. These labels, these names.

Is it true?

Is this who I am?

But then why do I fight it?

What keeps me searching for freedom?

A meaning and reason for it all?

For what others say I am?

Who is this within?

I live with these conflicting pictures…

Of who you, others, God, and the world says I am.

2 thoughts on “Who I Am

  1. I hear you. I’ve found Thomas Merton’s writings to be helpful as I wrestle with the same questions, especially “No Man is and Island” and “The New Seeds of Contemplation”. I found that vanilla evangelical Christianity gave me virtually no help, no tools to understand anything but a very flat and dry doctrinal answer…an answer that was no answer. Grace and peace to you…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. And yes, I can relate to the flat and dry concept. I tried to make it work for me for a long time. Kind of lifeless? Ok, I will have to check some of his work out! A favorite of mine, Richard Rohr, is always bringing Merton up. Grace and peace to you too my friend 🙏❤

      Liked by 1 person

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