If I take solace in anything; I take it in the fact I’ve fought.
Despite what others may say and think and what I tell myself many times; I know I’ve done my very best to seek help.
For the last several years since this has become a terror for me; I have not given in to other things to numb it all:
Hard drugs, promiscuity, partying.
Though I have not been perfect by far; I know I have not just given in like I could have.
I’ve called suicide hotlines over and over again, I’ve told family and friends, even though I know I’m not the best at it especially when feeling disparity: It can all come out wrong.
I have sought professional help this whole time: taken medication, attempted to keep my appointments (which has been hardest for me), and explained that I struggle to keep them.
I’ve opened up very candidly about the darkest parts of me and that is hard to do in a world that can take what you do and say wrong and punish you for it( hard to express truth when you fear what one will do, once you so do. Our health systems and such).
I’ve read books and watched videos on mental and emotional health, I’ve tried to find my peace in the midst of the chaos.
I’ve known I needed space for myself. Help at home. And that’s what I have not been able to find.
I don’t want money or material things, but this is what I’ve found most people think you mean when you ask for support and help. People fear you want to take from them.
When really I’ve found, that most people like me want to just be taken seriously. Listened to, and allowed to voice their own opinions when it comes to what works for them personally.
Everyone else feels the need to have the prescription. And usually it is people who have not experienced life as the one reaching for help has. It’s like fish in water. They can’t get it.
One gets tired of trying to be heard.
One gets exhausted from reaching out.
I am learning it can be exhausting for others too. I’m trying to accept that. There are those that do want to help, but in my dark night I am unable to see that clearly I guess? I am still not sure.
I just know, I have not sat back and just said fuck it, as some may think.
I really have fought myself more than anything or anyone.
I know others can get away from me when it is hard.
But, I’ve never been able to escape it, ya know?
I’m always here.
But sometimes you just can’t. You just give up I guess. What else is there after so long?
Yet I’m still here, ok?