I want to apologize for anyone I did hurt during the last several years. I have been a hot mess.

I never would have expected to get such bad depression. (But with my history of it, maybe I should have).

I never knew those types of nights were possible again, and esp to that extent.

Before getting pregnant with my last son, I had been doing well mentally and emotionally. I’ve always had a few screws loose 🤪; but other than that I was stable.

I intended to keep that stability throughout the birth of my son and also going into the future.

I had God right?! I has a more positive mindset and outlook on life than I did years ago when depression was in control.

I had been freed from those valleys!

Hadn’t I?

Maybe not like I had thought? I don’t know?

God is good. I do believe that. And shit like this: the cave moments, Egypt’s oppressions, the wildernesses circled, the need for water and bread…the hunger and drought…the prisons and all that, whether real or figurative (whatever works)….

Are what wakes us up. Are what makes us look up. To want more than what the world is offering. So in hindsight, I see the light…

Anyway, I was in a place I never imagined possible emotionally and mentally. I was scared of my own self. I feared someday being completely comfortable with the idea of suicide; that being more alarming considering my maternal grandmother did so at 45. I questioned since my life felt like this now, over the years would I just become more and more at ease with the idea?

Like dementia(figurative)….you lose that fear..that conscious concern for the repercussions on earth or the afterlife.

I did not sleep, not at all. For days on end, for months after having my last son. Maybe a few hours here and there. And that’s for a few years.

I felt like I was losing it. It was very fucking scary. Like hell. That was my first experience of any real hell.

It was also physically painful. I think that is what drives the mind wild. You can’t escape it your mind tries..?

Idk. I’m writing as I think. This is my rambling mind.

I called suicide hotlines many times over the last few years. I’m thankful they were there. To listen and respond. I did not need to make an appointment in my time of crises when I needed serious refuge for soul and mind.

This was Jesus to me.

That’s all I felt like I was asking for in those I reached out to: stability, people to see and support, more mentally and emotionally than anything. I know I was not best at being direct, or expressing practical things. But, I was gone- gone in the head and running on pure survival mode mentally. At least that’s how it felt, now looking back. I was a fearful wreck. The anxiety, the aloneness, the surgery, the lack of sleep….it all made me a mad man.

I was looking for people like Jesus to come alongside me and my boys, and just be there. No monetary things, no this for that. I couldn’t get over my expectations being for something more steady…. so I became angry. Hurt.

I was looking to see Jesus.

Hoping He might offer to help with my newborn regularly while I slept, like really slept again. And not forever. But, it is what I needed. We at my home needed. I was looking for Jesus to maybe respond back to my furious texts and have a real sit down conversation with me about it all.

I was looking for Him to come alongside my teenager and be there to encourage him and see how he was doing also mentally and emotionally, and maybe often? I was hoping He would notice my sons did not have their fathers around like most the other kids his age did where we had been making ourselves at home over the years.

I was hoping He would want to dedicate my newest born in front of His people and they all would pledge to be there to teach him and lead him in the ways of The Lord. Like all the families they shown on the big screens. The ones with both mother and father.

I was hoping He would hear my plight for my family member who needed help and it was raining in their house. My mom actually. The only one I really do have, have had my whole life to lean on unconditionally. To have Him care just as much about her welfare, as He does the ones His hands are building a stimulating worship experience for.

Rain or lights on your heads? Jesus I just don’t get it?

Maybe I am selfish for asking for consistency? For so much for me me me? I get that. Whether it is selfish or not, this is me working through all my bantering within my head. In writing. I’m not implying I don’t need to stop bringing it up or that I dont need to just let it go. I am aware of these lessons I must eventually bow to.

I was looking for Jesus to discern my fear of going through another pregnancy and postpartum depression again, and lean in and offer to help. I did not expect Him to send me to a public agency. I thought we were family, and He could handle me.

I looked back at His promises and I thought just maybe He could find some people to help me, stand beside me, to be like the stable family I did not have out here. To really come in beside me to make sure this child would be fine. That me and the boys would all find stability, peace and hope in the midst of the storm.

I did not expect Jesus to mention the very nice families He knew and could help me contact if I considered adoption.

I wanted Jesus to show me HOW to be a stable mother. Lead me, teach me! I was ready to learn. I just needed direction, wisdom, support. You can’t expect me to think and see and thus do, what I’ve ever had modeled or known. You can’t expect someone to act like you, when their life experience and environment was totally different.

To respond and react with patience and hope when that is not the life they’ve known or had modeled to them. To think just like you, from the get go.

This is the division we get from people just always staying in their head…exactly where they were taught and brought up. No movement. Programmed. Whether it causes a poverty mindset, victim mentality, racist views, pride, greed…. we all are intrenched with these mindsets. Our minds are already made up. And we ask each other to automatically adjust and respond according to our “ programming and conditioning”.

I’m preaching to the choir. Myself.

I just could not do it alone. Make the choices I should have made. I needed other minds and hearts.

Me and my boys needed Jesus.

This is a rambling mess. But I guess that’s how I am and it is what it is. My pondering. Hope it’s coherent and cohesive 🤣

Love and peace. I never meant to be a spoiled brat, I just didn’t want given up on and sent out to secular organizations for things when I was at my lowest.

I wanted Jesus. I wanted a ” home.”

I wanted peace and freedom and it was something truly torturous that caused me to “scream” out erratically to prove that I was in need..rather than ask with gentle speech.

I’m sorry. I want to be as legitimately beautiful inside, just as much as we all try to make it appear that we are to the world looking on from the outside; but that would be a lie.

It’s only a wish of mine. Until Jesus, God, My Creator and Maker …touches whatever wound needs mending. Or maybe rather until I’m able to receive and believe it?

2 thoughts on “Today

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