I have been on generic Zoloft now since getting prego. If one has read any of my previous posts, they might have seen how life has been like hell for me, both mentally and emotionally. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, but the anxiety has been so intense it almost borderlines psychosis. To the point I was starting to except and believe I was losing it: I was beginning to believe I had a condition that was very hard to treat and maybe getting older and the stress of a new child at 35 was too much.
After leaving my pill bottle in the car one night and not wanting to get out in the cold to get it, I missed a dose. I have now missed 3 doses.
I haven’t felt this human and sane in months. Maybe even close to a year.
My son is still nursing at night. We both have struggled with actually sleeping through entire nights since he was born. These last 3 nights, we have slept like one would expect to sleep. Normal. Good, deep, non-restless.
It might sound cheesy, but I almost want to cry thinking about how good I feel. So well rested. It has been THAT long. It also makes me sad thinking that if this was indeed my problem this whole time, how simple a solution.
All the pain. All the weariness and sleepless nights, and the horrible attitudes and actions that came with it all. I have been one wearied soul. In a dark abyss, thinking I was gonna lose it all due to my own inability to cope with the chaos of normal life.
I’ve blamed it on myself, my son, whoever.
Now, I get that it’s only been 3 days. But man the difference! I hope this is all more than wishful thinking; some placebo, mind thing. I had did some research, digging into others reviews and the majority have been positive. But, there are many that have also had severe symptoms like me.
I’ve actually slept 3 nights in a row now!! Ugh, I can’t get over that. That’s how bad it’s been. I wonder if my son’s nursing had also effected his sleep? The med getting to him too? Because like I said, he’s never slept better either.
Again, I was not on this until getting prego. I was giving this as a “safe” alternative in place of a mild anxiety med I had been on for several months beforehand. So things were much more tolerable (life’s hell and my own issues) before I even had to be placed on it.
Man I hope I have found a solution 🙏.
The Undoing of Me 
So far so good* lol
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Just a heads up – I’ve heard that going off these sorts of meds ‘cold turkey’ can cause issues – I’d highly recommend being in touch with your doctor about it – it’s usually best to taper off.
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Thanks you are right and I def agree. I’ve had so many issues with the system here. I don’t have good insurance, so most my life I’ve had to be my own advocate. I went to the main mental health place twice in my city. The first time I was too late and the second time I came crying telling them I was having suicidal thoughts. They told me they were going to take care of me and get me the help I needed. They led me to a waiting area to wait on the next step which was to see a counselor. Then they told me sorry, they had no more time for me and I’d have to come back Mon-Fri at the earliest time possible to get a better chance of getting in. Before Stopping this med, I called my doctor that day or the day before. Telling them the med was not working and I was depressed and not sleeping. They offered me a spot 2 weeks out. I am just jaded. If I were having a heart attack or stroke I’d be seen right away. But to be silently dying on the inside daily was no urgent matter to them. Thank you. You are very very right though. I’ve def been keeping any eye out for any scary things. So far so food. I was ready to daily go jump off a bridge and having fits of rage before all this. So these 3 days, SO far have been like heaven. Please keep me in thoughts and prayers.
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Sounds like our health system is failing you. Is it possible your church could connect you with help? Praying 🙏
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They have tried to help in some ways, but I’ve kind of fell off with them. Prob me. But, they (in my opinion) treated me like I was just another case. I wrote my pastor an email and told him the help they offered me was similar to what I could get out in the world. They had me wait in a room all alone for an hour while a check was written to help with a few bills. I was told if I needed to admit myself, DCFS have people to watch my child while I was there. I had been hoping someone I trusted from the church would offer. They are a body of roughly 600. I would have to set appointments to meet with ppl from there and they would treat me like a secular counselor. Med checks and I felt like another number. I come from a background of poverty and the majority of the people there are well off, married families doing fairly well. This church started as a basement project reaching out to the de-churched and un-churched, but now resembles a country club. I have a biracial son, he was prob one of the only black kids and fatherless at that. He felt out of place at times too due to the other kids having nice things and healthy families. I prob am being wrongly bitter and critical, but I was hoping for a family like unit; not another community handout. I don’t feel like I belong there anymore. I’ve been going since 2013 and it jusr ain’t the same. They get together and make Xmas ornaments that cost 10 bucks and play bunco for fun and I just am angry that they seem to have lost the message that focused on the marginalised.
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Sorry I went way out of the way with that haha. It’s been one of the things I’ve really been wrestling with though. Whether my thoughts and feelings are valid or if I’m just being an ungrateful, entitled brat. Sigh 😥
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Gotcha… Another thought: I’m not Catholic, but I know Catholic Charities is an organization that has offices in just about every city. In my town they have counselors. You may or may not feel like a number, but they may be able to help.
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I had a community org. call them for me and they no longer do it. I actually have found some support now. But it’s been with those that are secular or what many in the church would call sinners. They have shown me Jesus more than many church ppl. So I do have something going for me. This experience has really challenged me though, because I was really fundamental in my beliefs before and now I’m kind of moving somewhere in between in my Bible beliefs and world views. Lol, it’s just been so many big big changes in big areas in my life over the last few years. On so many levels.
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Thank you, I am about to post this vision of surrender I just had. This was confirming for me. ❤
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IDK, maybe my expectations are wrong. And they have helped, I know they mean the best. But it’s just always been about handouts. Helping me with cloths for my son, a few bills here and there (asking me if I’d feel better working it off by cleaning the church while I already lost my job and had no sitter and was losing my mind). I agree that is a good part of the gospel, feeding, clothing etc. But the stimulations, quid pro quo..at the darkest part of my life in a very long time. I felt like a obligation, a good deed well done..taking care of the needy..yet no intimacy ..I believe much of it being me, I admit.
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stipulations*
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God tends to show me my hypocrisy: As I stand here up my own ass and invested in my own interests, my toddler screams and whines for intimacy. Let me listen for once 😬😊❤
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